O medo do macho diante do toque

Por xicosa

14/07/12 09:06

O médico e o monstro: eis o drama do consultório

Nós vamos à guerra, mas fugimos de um consultório médico como o diabo da cruz. O eterno medo do macho diante de um diagnóstico.

Quando o assunto é o exame de toque, Nossa Senhora do Ó, o tabu é quase imbatível.

Só vamos ao médico à força. Na maioria das vezes arrastados pelo braço, como crianças. Graças às nossas zelosas mulheres.

Repare nos números oficiais de uma pesquisa da Secretaria de Saúde de São Paulo: 60% dos marmanjos só procuram o homem de branco quando a doença já atinge um estágio muito crítico.

O levantamento me fez lembrar a minha primeira vez no exame mais aterrorizante para a macheza latina:

-Senhor Francisco?!

-Sim…

Chegou a hora da verdade. As rotas de fuga estão obstruídas. Não há escapatória. Naquele instante, o primeiro homem de gerações e mais gerações do ramo sertanejo dos Sá Menezes seria submetido ao labiríntico mundo da procto-investigação.

Que fazer?, resigno-me, leninista rendido ao mais dialético dos toques da humanidade.

Ao adentrar o recinto, lembrei logo da infame pilhéria. “O médico introduz o dedo no respeitável cidadão e pergunta: ‘Sentes alguma coisa?’. Ao que o paciente sussurra: “Sinto que te amo.”

Recordei também de um amigo, rapaz de Serra Talhada, terra de Lampião, que era tão macho, mas macho de um jeito que usava dois sabonetes no seu banho: um Phebo para a parte dianteira e um Lux de Luxo exclusivo da traseira. “Esse contato é perigosíssimo, não se deve misturar as vocações”, dizia, no banheiro coletivo da Casa do Estudante.

Era chegada a hora. Ao sacrifício, pois. Segura na mão de Deus e vai! O simpático doutor tenta disfarçar suas feições mal-assombradas à Anthony Hopkins. Foco nas mãos do monstro. Dedos médios, mas habilidosos como um manipulador de teatro de bonecos.

“Que macho sou eu, ora bolas!”, penso, para me encorajar. O médico ordena que eu deite. Um amigo da firma me contou que a primeira vez dele havia sido na clássica posição “de ladinho”. A minha foi, napoleonicamente falando, de bruços mesmo, quase de quatro, diria.

No meu retrovisor imaginário, vejo o dublê de Hopkins colocar uma espécie de camisinha de dedo. Depois, a vaselina, o lubrificante, sei lá. E não foi com o mindinho, muito menos com o seu vizinho, coube o serviço ao matreiro fura-bolo, como no folguedo infantil.

Mas tudo dentro do maior respeito, uma escaneada tecnicamente irreparável. Como diria o bardo lusitano, apenas uma rápida bulida no meu “eu profundo e outros eus”.

Próstata em ordem, tamanho clássico de uma noz, segundo a autoridade médica, voltei para casa engajado na brigada preventiva contra esse tipo de câncer, uma das maiores causas de mortes de cavalheiros por estas plagas.

Seja homem, cabra, treine em casa, com a namorada. No mais, é seguir o conselho do filósofo Emerson, que em velho anúncio do uísque Johnnie Walker recomendava: “Faça tudo aquilo que você mais teme”.

Sinceramente, o que custa um dedinho de prosa com o seu urologista. Cuide-se, homem!

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