Utilidade pública: tipos de homens perigosos (II)

Por xicosa

12/07/12 15:53

O homem-bouquet visto por Jean-Marie Boomputte

Tudo bem, bravas fêmeas, os homens são todos iguais, blábláblá.

Alguns, no entanto, os verdadeiros Pthirus pubis, são bem mais perigosos que os outros. Em mais um serviço de utilidade pública, este cronista de costumes expõe os tipinhos contemporâneos da mais alta periculosidade.

Alguns tipos já haviam sido publicados anteriormente. Repito, porém, para dar ênfase, ficar como mantra nas vossas cabecinhas esquecidas.

Homem-bouquet – Muito prazer! É aquele macho que entende de vinhos finos, abre a garrafa, cheira a rolha, balança na taça, sente o “bouquet” da bebida dos deuses. O tipinho não perde um programa especializado, reúne os amigos para encher o saco com o tal bouquet, do tanino isso e aquilo, do amadeirado etc.

Mais uma advertência: o mesmo elemento costuma apreciar também o que ele chama de “um bom jazz”, uma “MPB de qualidade”, seja que diabo isso signifique.

Corra, Lola, corra de criaturas desse naipe. Homem que entende e gosta mesmo de vinho não sai arrotando conhecimentos por ai, simplesmente aprecia e faz a sua companhia curtir a bebida. Seja um Romanée-Conti ou uma encorpada Catuaba Selvagem.

Homem-hortinha -Mesmo as heroínas que conseguem escapar do “In vino picaretas” dificilmente escaparão da arapuca do inominável e desqualificado Homem-hortinha.

Trata-se do distinto mancebo que, ao receber as moças elegantemente para um jantar, usa o manjericão cultivado na própria hortinha que mantém no quintal ou na área de serviço.

Cultivar o próprio manjericão não é exatamente o defeito do rapaz. O problema é que ele passa duas horas a discorrer sobre o cultivo da hortinha, os cuidados, o zelo, samba de um tempero só, degustação ao pé do saco.

Uma amiga, coitada, conheceu um destes exemplares que cultivava até a própria minhoca usado como “fator adubante” da própria hortinha. Corra, Lola, corra, corra mesmo, corra léguas, eis um tipo irrecuperável.

Homem-Ômega 3 – É simplesmente um sujeito paranoico que vive por ai a pregar a causa da vida 100% saudável. Sim, ele tira o cigarro da tua boca, mesmo que não te conheça, e apaga. Ele cuida da tua saúde, poxa.

Sempre ligado no combate aos radicais livres, o elemento enche imoderadamente o saco dos que enchem a cara. É o tipo do macho que costuma morrer cedo, mas cheio de saúde, uma beleza, todo rosado no ataúde, com todas as células empenhadíssimas em retardar o envelhecimento.

Homem-Terceiro Setor ou Homem-ONG, ou ainda homus-oenegê. Curte um abaixo-assinado que só vendo. Se tem passeata, está dentro. Também ocupa até a casa de mãe Joana. Ele já acorda falando mal do governo. Qualquer governo. Mesmo que a sua entidade não-governamental encha as burras, lave a égua no brejal mais público.

Sim, ele acredita na humanidade, na responsabilidade social, na arte como redenção dos pobres… Um macho completamente sustentável. Se você reparar, leitora do meu coração, ele quase levita, de tão puro, de tão bom. Some, Lola, some que é roubada-mor.

Agora é a sua vez, ajude este velho blogueiro -outra raça chata do cacete!- a ampliar essa lista de homens de alta periculosidade.

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