Virei "homem de predinho antigo". E agora?

Por xicosa

28/03/12 17:26

De tanto tirar onda e sacanear o tipo “homem de predinho antigo”, acabei pagando a língua: quis o destino, guiado pelas mãos de uma generosa amiga, que eu me tornasse, desde ontem, um…, adivinhem!, “homem de predinho antigo”.

O homem de predinho antigo, esqueçamos doravante as aspas, é aquela criatura moderna, que adora um pé-direito alto, um sofá de época e uma luz indireta, cultiva o seu próprio manjericão para impressionar na hora daquela pasta verde para as moças etc etc.

Ele tem a mesinha de centro cheia de revistas gringas, móveis de design, aquelas cadeiras ou poltronas com nome de gente, entende de vinho, cheira a rolha, sente o bouquet, enfim, um tremendo picareta.

E agora, que fazer, estou em um predinho antigo mas a educação e os costumes ainda são da fase homem-jurubeba?

Os colegas de predinho antigo, por sacanagem, prometem me ajudar a me tornar um típico exemplar da turma.

Será?

No que lembro o macho solteiro que fui, totalmente desastrado no capítulo decoração.

Porque a verdadeira casa de um solitário jurubeba é assim: tem lá o seu sofá velho, a sua tv ainda a válvula, uma cama barulhenta, três ou quatro panelas -sem cabo- encarvoadas pelo tempo, e copos de requeijão, muitos copos de requeijão, alguns deles ainda com um pedaço do papel do rótulo.

Copos menores, daqueles de geleia de mocotó Colombo, também são fundamentais para a vida e a festa.

E quando a fofa, toda fina e fresca, nova namorada, chega lá no muquifo com a sua garrafa de champanhe?! Procura, procura as taças, para fazer uma graça com o marmanjo, e nada.

O jeito é beber Veuve Cliquot em copo de extrato de tomate.

Pior é quando ela tenta mudar tudo. E põe aquele seu quadro caríssimo e de grife numa sala que não tem nem mesmo um sofá que preste?!

Um desastre.

A fofa, toda classe média metida a besta, não desiste nunca. Ai presenteia o bofe -sim, ela está doida e perdidinha pelo vagabundo- com uma batedeira prateada ultramoderna com 600 funções, que nunca será usada.

Ai fica aquela batedeira high-tech fazendo companhia aos três pratos chinfrins e aos garfos tortos -como se o Uri Geller (em ação na foto), aquele parapsicólogo que aparecia no “Fantástico”, tivesse jantado por lá ou feito faxina na área.

Ela começa a revirar geral, um deus-nos-acuda, numa casa onde ninguém havia mudado sequer uma planta de lugar. O reino vegetal, aliás, é outro ponto fraco do macho solteiro. Jarros, flores? Nem de plástico.

Na casa do homem solteiro típico, a utilidade triunfa sobre a estética. O cúmulo do utilitarismo. Sofá da tia-avó vira cama.

A cama vira sofá, a rede vira sofá e cobertor, o cobertor vira cortina preso à persiana…

A falta de cortina é outra marca registrada do desmantelo do cavaleiro solitário. Quando muito, papel filme.

Outro traço de personalidade: tudo que chega até a cozinha vira tupperware -aquelas embalagens plásticas de lasanha comprada pronta, caixinha de entrega de comida chinesa ou japonesa, potes de sorvete… Uma festa!

Sim, na geladeira só latinhas de cerveja, uma garrafa de água vazia e uma triste e chorosa cebola partida ao meio.

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